Torn between who I am and who I want myself to be.

I'm always in between these two. This part of me wants to be who I really am- an introvert. And the other part of me expects myself to be who I am not- an extrovert.

The reason why? It's simple. I want to feel like I belong in this squad. I want to feel wanted, my existence to be acknowledged.

I tried to fit in, and of course I did. I didn't succeed all the time but I attempt to whenever my emotions allow me to.

The harder I try, the more suffocating I felt. I was tired. I come home every evening only to lay on my bed for what seems like hours but only a minute has passed to realize that I wasn't happy. Sure, I am when I'm with my squad. But when I'm alone, I feel exhausted and depressed.

The harder I try, the more isolated I felt. Isolated from myself. I may have clicked in with my squad. I may have found mutual interest among them. I should feel like I belong with them right? Like peas in a pod? No. I have never felt more lost.

I don't know who am I. What is my personality, my opinions. I rely on others to tell me what I am and who I am. And when they don't, I feel like i'm nothing but a spec of dust in the air.

I tried to be what they are, and I lost myself.

The more I try not to be myself, the more I cared about how others viewed me. I'd always think that they despised my existence. I may or may have not think right. But that's what's going on in my head for months now- To figure out how they viewed me.

I'd swallow my words, mumble them. Sometimes, i even tremble. I cared too much on simple daily conversations.

As a matter of fact, I hate this me. I'm not sure about them but I don't like to be outgoing.

But if i'm not, I'll be the odd one out. Not to mention, I am not a very sociable person.

I want to be who I really am,

but I also want to feel a sense of belonging.

Till I blog again, x