Every year, in conjunction to the new year I would write down a list of things that I wish to accomplish by the end of the year. Most of the time, the things I write down would focus on my physical traits- lose weight, get abs, second piercing etc. While these things are categorized as self-improvement, it's not what I needed.

Towards the end of 2016, I've realized that even if I have gotten a second piercing and an almost abs- so what? Does it make me happier? Or does it help people take a longer look at me because maybe, because of that, I will feel that I am attractive. Does it make me a better person?

It doesn't matter. In reality, it's all making me miserable.

Those are not the things that I need to make me a better person- the person I aspire to be. If anything, those things only make me miserable because I'll eventually start comparing and feel competitive which is not at all beneficial in the long run. Things like that should be put under bucket list and not resolutions.

I've learnt that resolutions are things that I want to accomplish for the year, things that I need to make myself a person that I can live with. I don't need to resolutions that'll help me fit in better or finally stand out. I need to learn to live with nobody else but me because at 3a.m when the whole world is fast asleep and nobody is awake to slap some sense into me, myself is all I have- for the rest of my entire life, even when I've stopped breathing, I'm going to be in this body. I'm stuck with this persona and I can't recreate my persona because this is reality- not Sims. There is no delete button. I can't abandon this place and create another life somewhere with another body.

What I need is to find myself. I don't know who I am. I don't know if the things I say is the things I really want or I just say it because the person I'm conversing with feels that way so I just say it in order to feel belonged and to "click" with them.

Over time, I feel like I'm drowning in the sea of things I say just to fit in and I'm gasping for the things who define me like it's air; but just like drowning, I will lose air and the ocean would swallow me up until there is nothing left of me. If i'm lucky, people would find my corpse and recognize it's me and if I'm not, nobody- not even myself would recognize me. I don't want to drown anymore. I want to swim. In order to swim, I need to learn how to swim.

I've made a promise to myself to make 2017 my year.

Not because I went to a fortune teller and he told me that it's a good year for me but because I feel that it is time I learn to push depression, sadness and jealousy aside. It is time I learn not to beat myself up over things that happened. It is time I learn that I don't have to be pretty, smart or talented like anyone else. I can be like me. Even if it's reading a whole novel in one sitting or sewing during my free time. I don't have to try and be hipster because everyone likes hipster. I can be Blair Waldorf or Audrey Hepburn. I don't have to be Kendall Jenner or Gigi Hadid. (Although they're absolutely gorgeous) I have to learn to accept the fact that it is okay even if I drive a car that is potentially older than me and it's okay if my friends drive new cars. It's okay. If people can't accept that then just leave altogether. I don't need that kind of negativity. I don't deserve that kind of negativity.

For all the things that I have done wrong, I believe that I already received enough karma for it. I'm already miserable and potentially depressed. So, please, set me free now. I'll forgive everyone. It's fine, live your life.

Learning to accept myself is my number one goal and saving money for a Europe trip comes next. For once, my resolutions aren't things that my friends think are cool. It is what I think is necessary.

Let us all welcome 2017 with open arms and embrace ourselves for any shortcomings and opportunities that comes our way.

Love, Jiawen