Why is it everytime that I let someone into my life I get hurt and abandoned? Why is it that every time I decide to give someone a shot that person turns out to be one of those people who could never stay? Why is it that people always leave me? 

Was it because you realized that underneath all these Makeup, clothes and physical appearance I wasn't someone great? Or did you see the parts of me which are broken and decided that I was unworthy? 

I wish someone could tell me what was wrong with me and I wish god would tell me not to give a shot in love at all if none of it will ever work out because I'm tired as fuck of hoping for the best and it will always end up crushing something inside me. 

I'll detach myself from you before I even start to get attached because honestly, I'm tired of letting my guards down and letting people into my life only to result in me building up higher walls around me than before. 

I'm tired of building walls to protect myself but having the reverse effect. The walls that I have built probably gives people the wrong impression of who I am. Nobody wants to see and accept me as I am. Nobody wants to deal with this crazy insecure girl who is actually not happy with every part of herself. Nobody wants to deal with this girl who is actually afraid of things and is not as brave as she seems. Nobody wants to deal with me because it is probably true that I am a handful. 

All they want is this girl who puts on makeup and dresses up nicely every day. They only want this girl who smiles, laughs and is able to pick up after herself. 

But is it possible to be that girl who never breaks down and is perfect inside and out? 

I'm not that girl. 

And I'll never be that girl. 

Therefore, I will never be your girl. And it's fine if you decide that you can't love me anymore because I can't love myself too. And just like you'll never love a broken plate, you can never love the real me. 

I'll understand and I'll let you go. You don't have to say anything. 

I'll hereby detach myself from you before I even get attached to you because I can't afford to be broken anymore. 

xx

Jiawen

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