I'll admit that there are often many times where I look at my friend talking to their crush and this jealousy just suddenly fills me. It's not because that their crush like them back (of course, i'm jealous of that too) but because they have someone to crush on. Someone they could fully trust and hand their hearts to- Somebody to love.

If you ask me, have I loved anyone ever since my previous official relationship? My answer is no I haven't but have I admired? of course, I have. Have I tried to fall in love again? Definitely.

But the thing is, each and every one of these "relationship" let me down. Over and over again. Each and every one.

Sometimes I sit down and think, why is it that when I show some interest in this person he automatically backs off or I would just figure out that he is nothing but a fuckboy.

I never once asked myself this question: "Are you ready to love?"

I've always put the blame on guys- for not being patient enough or loyal enough. I was never truly honest with myself and I keep finding excuses on why these almost relationships just won't work out.

 I'm unready to love and I refuse to be loved if I don't have the intention or capability to love him back. If I catch myself starting to feel something for this guy, I'll give an excuse to myself not to. Not because he isn't good enough but because I fear that I am not good enough.

I fear that one day I will get hurt again and I fear that I'll never be able to get back up. The previous time, I was lucky because I managed to get back up on my feet again but I don't know if I can handle another heartbreak because honestly, I'm not that strong.

I honestly have no idea what's so wrong with me that guys keep backing away from me once I have decided to open up. Do I look like a monster from within? Do I scare you that much or Do I bore you so much?

But the truth is, it's okay if he can't accept me. I could persuade him to, I could do plenty of things to try and keep him. I could beg. But I didn't. I let him go because I know that I am not capable of loving him and I don't want to hurt anyone or be hurt by anyone.

I think that I have my whole life ahead of me and my purpose is more than falling in love, getting married and be a mother. Although I would love for that to happen in my life but I only want all those to happen at a later age when I can hold my head up and say, " I am enough and I am capable of loving you".

I don't want it to happen when it isn't right because I am not even capable of loving myself. How can I love another human being when I don't even know how to love this soul and body which I have been in for 20 years?

Although I always express how envious I am of couples and my friends who have found someone to love, I think that my time hasn't come yet. I don't know if I'll ever find this soulmate that everyone is talking about but I hope when I find him, it'll be the right time and we don't have to worry about breaking each others' heart- because we won't.

xx
jiawen

http://witheveryheartbeatxo.tumblr.com/post/160255321050/ammerthyst-kartuzi-ig-maiamitchell